


Prelude

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [20]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: After spending the early day as Junko's shadow, Mukuro looks forward to talking to Sayaka in the afternoon.





	Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> So, here we are. Chapter Twenty!
> 
> My gf drew a bunch random art pieces of the characters this time: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/174949179161 (Junko was at least once wearing that shirt in some chapter. you can decide which one)
> 
> I'm not sure anyone cares, but in case someone does I'm sorry for not responding to every comment in the last chapter, but it'd get really redundant really fast! Believe me, I did enjoy reading them. Well, in a certain sense... I'm not a sadist or anything!
> 
> Hope you like it!

* * *

 

Leaning near one of the windows in some Reserve Course classroom, Mukuro takes a bite of her sandwich, suppressing the increasing irritation that builds up inside of her.

She usually enjoys spending lunch break with her sister, on the few occasions that Junko actually wants her there for it. It's a shame that Junko has been spending it with so many people lately.

Mukuro looks at the crowd, with Junko in the middle of it.

"I could have never done this without your support, Junko-san." Some Reserve Course girl says. Although her voice is even, the blind adoration in her eyes is obvious even from where Mukuro is standing.

"Nopey nope, Tomoka-chan! It was your own hard work that's gotten you to this point!" Junko replies, a condescending smile that only looks condescending to Mukuro on her face. "I'm only sad we won't be in the same class! Oh well, you'll be an adorable underclassman!"

The Reserve Course girl smiles back, a faint blush on her cheeks. "I can't wait. They're still deciding on what to call my talent, but I don't think that's important. I just want to do my best and repay Hope's Peak Academy for their faith in me."

"How about 'Ultimate Know-it-all'?" Some other Reserve Course student suggests.

"Or 'Ultimate Smartass'?" Another one quips.

"'Ultimate Nerd'." One of the less eloquent ones mutters.

"Come on, everyone!" Junko sighs in an affectionate manner, like she's surrounded by unruly children that she can't help but adore anyway. "You've all worked hard for this, but Tomoka-chan is the one who worked the hardest. She deserves this! I'm sure you all will get to attend the Main Course sooner or later! If not, we'll still be friends!"

That shames the envious students well enough, and they quietly mutter apologies, followed by congratulating the Reserve Course girl on her success.

It's a pretty big deal, Mukuro supposes. One of the Reserve Course students earning the right to attend the Main Course -- that girl must've worked herself to death for this privilege.

It's a shame Hope's Peak Academy will probably not be a thing anymore come next April.

"Junko-chan is a remarkable person, isn't she?"

Swallowing the last bit of her sandwich, Mukuro glances to her left. She's noticed Mikan's classmate approach, but didn't think that girl would try to talk to her. "She is, yes."

"It's just that everyone else in the Main Course acts like these people here don't exist," Koizumi says with a frown. "But they do, and they work just as hard as anyone in the Main Course does. If not moreso. Junko-chan is a good person for spending so much time with them, for encouraging them to have hope."

 _'Of course Junko-chan supplies them with hope. It makes bringing them despair later more hurtful.'_ Mukuro thinks to herself. Out loud, she says: "You're here as well, Koizumi-san. Junko-chan didn't need to talk you into it, did she?"

"Well, kind of. Junko-chan hasn't talked me into it, no... but I bet if it wasn't for her, I still couldn't bring myself to come back to this building." Koizumi has a sad, faraway look on her face for a moment, although she regains her composure quickly. "I guess I'm not exactly doing much to help though. All I really do is talk to the few students I already know."

"I'm sure Junko-chan is glad you're here." Mukuro offers. It's the truth, from a certain point of view.

"Is that so? Well, what are friends for?" Koizumi smiles. It loses some of its brightness when Mukuro doesn't return it. Putting her knuckles on her hips, she leans forward slightly. "Honestly, you should be more friendly with people. Or is that only reserved for Mikan-chan, huh?" Bizarrely enough, Koizumi winks at her as she asks that.

Even more bizarre is the fact that Koizumi and her have barely ever talked to each other before, yet the girl is talking to her like they're friends or something. "Excuse me?" Mukuro asks flatly.

The skin around Koizumi's freckles colors a little. She chuckles weakly. "Sorry for being so familiar, Ikusaba-san. I just thought since Junko-chan and I are good friends... uh, nevermind! Anyway, I think it's nice that Mikan-chan's gotten some friends too," she says awkwardly. "Honestly, I always felt she could use some. You guys better be nice to her, alright?"

Mukuro can't point her finger on it, yet something about Koizumi's words bothers her. "Mikan-san has been our friend for months now. If anyone was treating her badly, I would deal with it. I have dealt with it, as a matter of fact." She tells the other girl cooly. "Her other friends would as well. None of us are ever mean to her." It's true. Compared to how she can treat other people, Aoi is remarkably careful with Mikan. Makoto couldn't be mean to anyone if he tried. Even Sayaka keeps the teasing to a minimum.

"W-Well." Koizumi seems rather flustered at the blunt response. "I'm glad to hear that. I never thought badly of any of you or anything. I just wasn't sure about her being friends with Komaeda at first, so I got a bit concerned..."

"Mikan-san is old enough to decide who she wants to spend time with, Koizumi-san." Mukuro says, trying not to be too annoyed. There is no trace of ill-will on Koizumi's part, yet her words are irritating. It doesn't help that Mikan has told Mukuro all about Class 77-B's treatment of her. Not directly, no... but enough to get a clear picture.

"You're right. I'm sorry." Koizumi mutters, and the conversation dies down.

Mukuro is glad for it. Barring one or two, she doesn't want to talk to any of Mikan's classmates if she can help it.

If Koizumi was so concerned with Mikan's well-being, why couldn't she ever do anything more than make a weak, token effort to intervene when there was bullying going on? Mukuro kind of wants to ask that. It'd just invite an unnecessary argument though, so she doesn't. She could point out other things too.

After all, it had been she who threatened Saionji Hiyoko into leaving Mikan alone. She had to threaten that girl again for Komaeda too, when she learned later that Saionji had been bullying him as well.

It had been she who threatened Hanamura Teruteru into keeping his filthy comments to himself around Mikan. He nearly made some sort of comment to her too upon being confronted about his behavior. Being lifted up by the neck was effective in cutting his words off though.

It had been she who told Nidai Nekomaru to stop yelling at Mikan. Granted, in that case there wasn't any ill intent involved and also no threatening required. Nidai immediately agreed to adress Mikan normally. It mostly translates into him screaming a bit less loudly at her, but apparently that's good enough.

It's strange Koizumi would bring up Komaeda as well. As irritating as he can be, he's never treated Mikan with anything less than unconditional support and kindness. Alongside Nanami Chiaki, he's the only person in Class 77-B whom Mukuro sees in a somewhat positive light. Junko can do whatever she pleases with the rest of that class, for all Mukuro cares.

... Of course, Mikan would hate if any of them got hurt irregardless. She's just that kind of person. Mukuro supposes that's why she gets a bit uncomfortable when she sees how Junko manipulates them.

"Mahiru-chan!" Junko chirps suddenly, as if on cue. "C'mon, make a picture of us. To commemorate Tomoka-chan's moment of triumph!"

"Sure!" Koizumi replies enthusiastically, her camera already in her hands as she's walking towards the group of students with Junko in the middle.

Junko's smile is impossibly bright when Koizumi takes the picture. The Reserve Course girl's less so, but it's no less sincere. The rest of the students' smiles though... the envy is obvious. Which is the point, Mukuro supposes. Improving her relationship with people while causing their relationships with each other to worsen... it's just one of the many different ways Junko uses to manipulate other people.

Mukuro kind of wonders if that Reserve Course girl is aware of how much these others resent her. If she does, does she care? Or is Junko's approval enough for her? Junko would probably know the answer to that.

She is glad to leave the Reserve Course building after that. She doesn't necessarily dislike dreary, depressing places, but all the people there who worship Junko, who consider her one of the 'good' Main Course students... it gets old pretty fast. Junko enjoys being revered, but too much of that annoys even her.

Junko uses the rest of lunch break to catch up with some Main Course students on certain projects they're involved in. Class 77-B is their first stop. Mukuro only barely pays attention while her sister first talks to Tanaka about animals, then to Souda about complex machinery. She can see how the Ultimate Mechanic is useful, but the Ultimate Animal Breeder? The usefulness of animals is very limited. She has no idea why Junko bothers with that guy.

Then there's Class 77-A. She pays more attention this time. Junko begins with Umesawa -- the Ultimate Toxicologist. Mukuro doesn't understand most of what they talk about, but it all sounds very... lethal. Not that the tiny girl seems to really get it, judging from the way she cheerfully babbles on about how poisonous certain substances are and et cetera.

Ikuta, the Ultimate Physicist, is next. Unlike Umesawa, she clearly doesn't like Junko, maintaining a frosty politeness while they speak. The dislike is most likely due to Someya, since he and Ikuta are close friends. He must've told her some things. Junko, of course, pretends not to notice at all and acts all cheery. It's not unlike she always acted with Someya, though this time her jibes and quips are a lot more good-natured than they were with him. Most likely to throw the other girl off and make her doubt her friend's claims.

The last student in Class 77-A Junko needs to talk to is Kurosaki -- the Ultimate Software Engineer. Like the previous few times she's had the need to talk to him, he isn't alone at his table. Mukuro kind of wonders what the difference between the Ultimate Programmer and the Ultimate Software Engineer is, but she doesn't care enough to ask.

"E-Enoshima-san, hello. I'm glad you're here -- we've just arrived at the next step." Fujisaki says, clearly happy even through her stammering. "H-Hello to you too, Ikusaba-san."

Mukuro raises her hand in some vague waving gesture. Fujisaki and Kurosaki are among the few students Junko is working with who bother greeting her. She isn't sure why.

"Hey there, Enosaba sisters! It's even going faster than we thought," Kurosaki adds to Fujisaki's statement. "It's all because of Fujisaki-san's skill. I'm truly honored, being able to work with the Ultimate Programmer herself."

Even while her entire face turns crimson, Fujisaki bravely responds: "O-Only because you have laid the ground work so well, Kurosaki-senpai." She really reminds Mukuro of Mikan sometimes.

Kurosaki laughs. "True, but at this point I'm pretty obsolete. Your genius is carrying this project, not mine."

"You've both done excellent work!" Junko tells them, probably so they wouldn't continue this round of compliment back-and-forth. "Now, how long until the project's finished?"

"Not all that long." Kurosaki answers. "What do you figure, Fujisaki-san? Under a month for sure, right?"

"I would say... two weeks." Fujisaki says after some hesitation. "Maybe three? It is a really complicated project." She looks uncertainly at Junko, then at Kurosaki. "I don't want to rush it. If there were any issues with Monokuma, I could never forgive myself..."

"Very true." Kurosaki admits, nodding his head slowly. "The last thing we want is for Monokuma to glitch out. Better safe than sorry. What do you think, Enoshima-san?"

Junko beams. "I think you two are the sweetest sweeties ever! I'm really grateful for your hard work, Saki-chan, Saki-kun! Thanks so much! Aaaand well, if you both think you need to do work some more on Monokuma, then who am I to argue? You're the geniuses!"

Mukuro was pretty surprised when Junko had told her about the whole Monokuma thing. She understands its purpose, but isn't sure why Junko would model the thing after her imaginary friend from her childhood days. Maybe sentimentality? She isn't sure. Not like it's important anyway.

While Junko, Fujisaki, and Kurosaki continue talking about their project, Mukuro's mind drifts.

She's kind of worried about Christmas.

Will her friends like the gifts she's gotten for them for Christmas? Will Junko? Doubtful in the latter case, so she at least hopes her friends will. Sayaka in particular. She's had to agonize a fair bit over what to give to her, but she's pretty proud of the end result. It's almost a shame she has to wait about a week until she can give it to her. Well, looking forward to it is nice too. Will Sayaka try to ask her about it during their afternoon tea later?

Mukuro smiles to herself. Could be. She wonders what kind of tea Sayaka will prepare for them. Probably something extra weird to make up for both of them having had just green tea yesterday. Yeah, Sayaka would definitely do something like that.

She also wonders what kind of gift Sayaka has gotten for her. And her other friends' gifts too... as embarrassing as it is to admit, Mukuro's kind of looking forward to unwrapping them. It's not like she's never gotten anything before, but... it's different in this case.

Junko, for one, rarely ever bothers to give her anything. Mukuro doesn't blame her for it -- after all, her sister hates their birthday and Christmas by association. She's told her before that she needn't bother with gifts, but on rare occasions Junko does give her something, although not without telling her how it's just a whim and she shouldn't get used to it. Either way, Mukuro treasures the few gifts she receives, even if they're just stuff like a bottle of shampoo or hair clips.

Then there were her adoptive and biological parents, both of whom had given her gifts only out of some sort of parental obligation. Her biological parents' gifts had been typical: always some generic toy for girls. Mostly ugly dolls, which always ended up at Junko's mercy later. Admittedly, her adoptive mother's gifts had been pretty thoughtful. Mukuro even kind of liked them, though Junko sooner or later broke them when she got mad. Her adoptive father's have always been less thoughtful, though they've at least been practical. Mukuro appreciates that he doesn't make a secret of the fact that he only gives them presents because he thinks he has to. He doesn't act like they're some kind of happy family either, unlike her biological parents always had.

She supposes there also were her squadmates in Fenrir. She hadn't expected anyone there to care about Christmas, but they did. Their gifts had been unconventional: combat knives, special ammunition, and other military equipment. They're still her favorite gifts to this day, though. Surkova had given her that combat knife back in her room -- the one weapon Junko allows her to have on the campus. It's her favorite.

As much as she liked those though, none had ever felt... 'normal', for lack of a better term. Maybe 'carefree' would be better? Mukuro always knew these gifts had been meant for killing and war. She doesn't mind that, yet...

She's looking forward to something more 'normal', to her friends' gifts. No maybes or any guilt for getting something nice from someone who can't stand the holiday, no parental obligations, no gifts that make her think of violence...

She just wants to get normal gifts from people who like her, for once.

Even if she doesn't deserve any.

 

-

 

Junko slumps down on the couch in her room, groaning theatrically. "Mukuro-chan, how long until class?!" She asks, rubbing her temples.

"Eight minutes." Mukuro answers. She places her hands on Junko's temples and begins gently massaging them. Junko hums in approval at first, though then she lets out another frustrated groan.

"That short? I'm barely gonna be able to enjoy a massage in so little time!" Junko whines. "Geez, planning the end of the civilized world sure takes effort. Who would've thought! Remind me who's still left?"

"You wanted to meet with the Ultimate Spy this evening."

"Right, yeah. I hate that little creep, but he's useful. Anyone else?"

"Tea with the Ultimate Princess at 6pm right after that. Um... I think at 4pm, you wanted to have one last meeting with the Ultimate Florist." Mukuro can't for the life of her figure out how that talent is of any use to Junko, but she knows better than to ask.

"Right, Kamii. You think she ever feels inadequate? I mean, she's the Ultimate Florist and her class is full of people who have, like, all those intellectual talents." Junko laughs. Mukuro supposes that girl might feel bad sometimes. Though considering she -- like the bulk of Class 77-A -- is part of the Student Council, the school doesn't seem to judge her as inferior. "Anyway, I don't have anything left that's got to do with Class 77-A, right?"

Mukuro takes her right hand from Junko's temple and goes through her planner, to be sure. "No," she says, putting it back into her pocket and resuming the massage. "That's it. After today, you're done with Class 77-A."

"Good! As brilliant as I am and as useful as those girls and boys are, working with so many people at once is fucking tedious." Junko sighs. "I've influenced Class 77-B enough to enter the next stage, spent enough time with those Reserve Course losers, Monokuma's nearly ready..." She quietly mutters to herself. Then, her face lights up. "Guess we can finally kill that stupid Student Council off!"

For a moment, Mukuro's fingers stop massaging. She resumes almost immediately. "Whatever you think is best, Junko-chan. What about Kamukura?"

"Obviously, we're gonna have to bail him out first. Duh! He's integral to the plan, moron! Well, not the old plan. The new one! I mean, he was there in the old-new one, but not like that. You know."

"I know. I was just wondering when. Is it going to be before or after the winter holidays?"

"Well, after the Saki duo is done with Monokuma, I'm gonna analyze their work and build the other models. I'd like to do that before dealing with Kamukura, but eh... I might change my mind."

"Other models? You mean Shirokuma and Kurokuma?" Mukuro asks curiously. Junko has told her a little about that. It never ceases to amaze her how great her sister's talent is, and how good she is at learning things when she puts any effort into it. For example, if she'd actually _tried_ , she could have stopped paying Someya and started designing everything herself a lot earlier than she had. Maybe Junko had just enjoyed annoying him too much, though.

"Duh, who else?! Hey, you think mom would be proud of how she's inspired me with her teddy bears?" Sighing blissfully, Junko looks up at the ceiling with a bright smile. "Hope you're watching me from heaven, mom! Or hell, for all we know."

"I don't know..."

Junko huffs. "You're boring. And hey... wouldn't you rather it was after the winter holidays anyway?" She asks. She abruptly gets up from the couch and whirls around, grinning at her. "I mean, you have that big conversation with Sayaka-chan coming up. Wouldn't want to distract you from it, right?"

"R-Right." Mukuro agrees, lowering her still raised hands.

"Why're you looking like I just farted in your face, sis?" Junko snickers. "Not looking forward to that conversation, are you? Have you thoughtlessly, _selfishly_ enjoyed yourself too much? You don't want it to be over, do you?"

"... I suppose." Mukuro says quietly, trying to sound neutral. There is a sense of shame coming over her, but she suppresses it more or less automatically. She's done the same over and over these past few months, after all.

"Thirteen days until the year ends. Six days until Christmas Eve. Hmm." Junko taps her right index finger against her chin three times. "Y'know, that's not very long! Don't tell me you're gonna wait until after Christmas Eve to tell her?" The expression on Mukuro's face tells Junko everything she needs to know, judging from the shrieking laughter she lets out. "Oh my God, I can't believe it. You're gonna break Sayaka-chan's heart, but only after she's given you her present?! Even _I_ think that's fucking low!"

Mukuro feels her face burning with shame. "No!" She all but shouts. "It's not- it's not like that. I just want... I've never had friends to..."

"To what?" Junko asks icily, her cheer gone entirely. There is a brief pause, one where Mukuro can't bring herself to speak. Junko continues. "Mukuro-chan... haven't I been good to you ever since the summer holidays?"

"Yes..." Mukuro begins carefully. "I'm grateful, Junko-chan. I know I'm stupid sometimes and you lose your temper with me, but you've really tried to be more patient these past few months..."

"Then what the hell do you need _them_ for?" Junko spits. "You aren't starving for scraps of affection anymore, are you?"

"It's not that." Mukuro mumbles. "I just want to have a nice, normal Christmas for once..." As soon as she's said that out loud, she knows it was a mistake.

Junko's face contorts in thinly-veiled anger, her nostrils flaring. Mukuro is glad there's a couch directly between them. "'Normal', huh?" She asks in a low voice. Suddenly, there's a smile on her face. "I see you want to play pretend until the bitter end, Mukuro-chan. Let me ask you though... is it worth a fucking damn? Celebrating with people who wouldn't want you anywhere near their little Christmas party if they knew what kind of monster you are... are you so _pathetic_ that you don't care about that fact?"

"I-I just... please, Junko-chan... before I lose them, I want to..." Mukuro tries to explain herself, yet she can't do anything beyond stammering uselessly.

"I might be a total bitch who lies and manipulates, but at least I can admit it to myself. I'm not fucking pathetic like you." Junko sneers. "You know what? You disgust me, Mukuro-chan. You're one of the most efficient killers on the planet. You have nerves of steel and maintain perfect discipline over your body even in life and death situations. Despite how much shit I give you for being a moron sometimes, you're actually moderately smart when you make an effort to be." She shakes her head, as if in disbelief. "But look at you now. Not only do you want to have some basic fucking Christmas party like you're a boring, average teenager, you're also _this_ close to having a meltdown and being reduced to begging me to let you go. And because of what? Because some poor, dumb fools have deluded themselves into thinking they're your  _friends_? Because some poor, dumb girl has deluded herself into thinking she's in _love_ with you? Tell me... have you completely turned into Sayaka-chan's collared bitch now?"

Slowly, Mukuro shakes her head.

"God, honestly. I'd be proud if you only told her afterwards for some nice extra despair, but you're just a pathetic coward. You  _will_ tell Sayaka-chan. _Before_ Christmas Eve." Junko orders. "Got that?"

"Yes." Mukuro affirms, close to whispering the word.

"Good." Junko says, her anger gone in a flash. A grin slowly forms on her face. "Five days to go, Mukuro-chan. Or... hey, what about your other friends? Don't you think Sayaka-chan is gonna tell them not to talk to you anymore after this? Since poor little Naegi has to go home on the 22nd, you'll need to tell Sayaka-chan before that. After all, it'd be unfair if he had to waste a present on you. Right?" Mukuro nods mechanically. "Right! Now he can get a refund. Hmm, so that means there's three or four days to go! Wow, that's pretty short! How much are you gonna tell her anyway?"

"I don't know..."

"Of course not. You haven't bothered to think it through at all, have you?" Junko sounds like she's close to giggling. "You've been trying so very hard not to think about it all this time. The thing is, Mukuro-chan... that was always just gonna make it worse in the end. You realize that, yeah?"

"Yes..."

Junko turns around and sits back down on the couch. "Come here." She orders.

Mukuro quickly walks around the couch and sits down. She gives her sister a questioning look.

"Y'know..." Junko begins, slinging her left arm over Mukuro's shoulders. "How about this? I'm gonna kill Sayaka-chan. That way, you won't have to tell her about anything. Does that sound good?"

"I..." Mukuro fidgets uncomfortably, dread piling up inside of her. "I don't think I would like that..."

"Riiiight!" Junko says as if she was just reminded of something important. Her fingernails dig into Mukuro's shoulder as she continues speaking. "I get it! You want me to cut off her head so you can still kiss her whenever you want, don't you?"

"Please don't say things like that, Junko-chan..." Mukuro mutters, hoping her sister is just making a joke.

Junko pouts. "I'm just trying to throw you a bone, sis! After all, you've already gwawn through all the others I gave you." When Mukuro doesn't react, Junko sighs and shoves her away. "You're no fun, Mukuro-chan. C'mon, let's go to class. Getting detention would, like, totally mess up my apocalypse plans. And do you really want a fucking loser like Ishimaru to save the world?!"

The question is obviously rhetorical, which is why Mukuro doesn't answer it. She's relieved that Junko doesn't admonish her for not doing so.

On the way to class though, the relief slowly turns into something else. Junko's words start to sink in.

Mukuro feels a stab of pain in her chest.

She'll lose all of her friends in less than a week. She'll lose _Sayaka_ in less than a week. Junko was right, wasn't she? Trying to suppress her thoughts on it... her guilt... it has only made things worse. Mukuro feels like throwing up. How is she supposed to go through with telling Sayaka?

She's not ready for this...

After arriving in class, Mukuro swallows down the bile in her throat and waves to Sayaka with a forced smile on her face. Sayaka isn't looking at her, though. She just has a sour expression on her face while staring down at her table. She's been in a bad mood this entire day so far, really.

Mukuro frowns. She asked Sayaka about her bad mood before leaving with Junko earlier, but Sayaka just muttered they'd talk about it later. She didn't want to push her, so she agreed.

Well... if Sayaka is in a bad mood, she probably won't want to talk about their pasts today. Right? Mukuro is ashamed of the comfort that thought brings her, but she can't help it.

She only wants some more time.

 

-

 

There is a strange atmosphere during their walk to Sayaka's room.

Sayaka is clearly forcing herself into making casual conversation. She's faking her cheer, and isn't nearly as subtle about it as Mukuro would expect her to be. Sayaka is a great actress -- if she really wanted to, she could fool her.

It's not as if Sayaka had never been in a bad mood before either, but all those other times she'd asked Mukuro if they could just sit together and listen to music in silence. Forcing herself into talking so much is unlike her.

Maybe it's because of their oncoming conversation? It's unlikely that Sayaka has forgotten about it. Could it be that she is feeling bad because of that whole thing as well? Maybe she dreads the whole thing too and doesn't want to talk about it?

Suppressing a surge of guilt, Mukuro hopes for that with all of her might.

After arriving in Sayaka's room, there's significantly less talk. Sayaka is almost eerily silent as she moves to prepare tea for them.

The guilt Mukuro has been feeling still isn't gone while Sayaka is brewing tea for them, though it has lessened a bit. When she feels the heat of the cup in her palm and takes a sip, it's almost gone entirely. Until it'll inevitably come forth again later anyway.

"Do you want to talk about what's bothering you, Sayaka?" Mukuro asks carefully.

Sayaka isn't looking at her as she absent-mindedly stirrs her tea. She's sitting further away than usually, too. After an awkward pause, their eyes meet. "Sorry, I wasn't listening," she mutters. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you want to talk about whatever is bothering you." Mukuro repeats.

"Let's drink our tea first." Sayaka suggests. Or at least it'd be a suggestion if Sayaka's tone left any room for argument. It sounds like an order.

"Of course. Whatever you want." Mukuro doesn't hesitate to agree. There is silence for a few seconds. Somehow, it feels oppressive enough for her to want to break it. "Um... what kind of tea is this? It tastes nice."

"Chai."

The answer is clipped in a manner that causes Mukuro's face to gain heat. She swallows, and replies: "I see. There are a lot of different kinds of that one, right?"

"Yeah."

"I don't like it as much as green tea, but it's close. I always enjoy when we drink tea together even if it isn't that good. Today it is good... so that's even better. Nice choice today." Mukuro forces herself to keep the conversation going, even if she's being awkward and stilted in her approach. Maybe she can break Sayaka out of her foul mood in some way. She doesn't know what to do. Sayaka has never acted like this before.

"I guess."

"You look really pretty today." Mukuro tells her, a small smile on her face. That's bound to get at least a tiny reaction out of Sayaka, right?

Sayaka doesn't return the smile. Dispassionately, she utters: "Okay."

Mukuro's face feels unbearably hot. "Um... did- did I do anything wrong?" She asks in a trembling voice, setting her cup down on the table. "I'm sorry if I did. Can you please tell me?"

"... When are we gonna talk about our pasts?" Sayaka asks. "The year is almost over. Not even two weeks left."

"R-Right. You're right. We should probably do that soon... before Christmas." Mukuro says. The words have a bitter aftertaste to them.

"And here i thought you were gonna wait until the 31st."

Mukuro almost winces at Sayaka's tone. "But... you said it was okay to wait..." She murmurs uncertainly.

"I said that, huh?" Sayaka asks, scrunching up her nose. "Yeah, I did. Because I believed in you. Maybe I've changed my mind about that."

"Sayaka?" Mukuro asks, confusion and fear shooting through her. "What do you mean? What's going on?"

"Did you know, Mukuro? Sometimes I like to go on certain internet forums and read through threads there. I was skimming through some military nerd's post... and then I saw a familiar tattoo." Mukuro keeps her face expressionless, yet inside she feels nothing but panic. Sayaka continues. "I read his entire post after seeing that and couldn't believe it, so I went to look up more stuff about that organization. Or should I say terrorist group? Would mercenary company be the most fitting, for Fenrir?"

"Sayaka..." Mukuro says helplessly.

Sayaka lets out a short, bitter laugh. "With the information I already had, I could've looked that stuff up anytime. I never seriously considered it though... maybe I just blindly believed in you that much. And all this time..." Her voice gets lower, and she snarls: "You've _let_ me."

"I didn't-"

"Don't deny it!" Sayaka shrieks, her scowl morphing into an expression of pure rage. She gets up from the couch and turns to Mukuro. "Why couldn't you just tell me?!"

"I tried to-"

"Not hard enough! You never specified that you- that you killed civilians!" Mukuro stares down at her lap, biting her lower lip. Sayaka... knows about that? Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees Sayaka balling her fists. "You knew how I would react. That's why you never told me. Don't you dare sit here and try to tell me all that bullshit. If you'd wanted to, you could've told me anytime."

"But..." Mukuro croaks, looking up at Sayaka, her eyes burning with unshed tears. "You would have hated me."

"Yeah?" Sayaka whispers. There are tears in her eyes as well. "Maybe you deserve it."

Tears start spilling from Mukuro's eyes. Despite how much she has been dreading this moment, how much she has been anticipating it... she is utterly in shock right now. She gets up from the couch. "Wait... it's too early..." She murmurs. Choking down a sob, she looks directly into Sayaka's eyes. "Please, Sayaka... let's just... let's just forget about this stuff, alright? You've always been unconcerned regarding my past, haven't you? Who cares what happened back then?"

"You selfish _bitch_!" Sayaka snarls. "I didn't know you were a fucking mass murderer back then! Are you telling me I shouldn't care about that?!"

"I-I don't care about what you did either!" Mukuro insists. She smiles shakily. "I wouldn't care if you killed anyone! Not at all!"

"... Of course you wouldn't care." Sayaka says after a brief pause, her voice hollow. "Why would someone who murders children without a shred of remorse care?"

The smile is frozen Mukuro's face. Slowly, it disappears. "They would have died anyway!" She argues. "Just let me explain-"

"How many children have you killed?" Sayaka asks sharply. "Tell me."

"I didn't keep count," Mukuro mutters. "But that's not important-" Her head suddenly snaps to the side. She blinks, and looks at Sayaka's raised hand. It takes a burning sensation on her left cheek for her to realize that Sayaka has just punched her in the face. Not just a slap. A punch.

"Didn't keep count? Not important?" Sayaka's face morphs between anger and shock. "You... just what kind of monster are you? You're disgusting. How could you kill children?! Tell me!" She punches Mukuro again, this time in the stomach.

Mukuro grimaces, trying to steady herself after the surprisingly hard hit. She could have stopped the punch this time, but she will never raise her hand against Sayaka, not even to protect herself. Sayaka has every right to beat her bloody right now, too.

After waiting for a bit to make sure Sayaka is done, Mukuro speaks again. "I'm sorry..."

"No, you're not. You're sorry that I'm mad at you for it." Sayaka breathes slowly, closing her eyes. When she opens them, she looks a bit more composed. "Do you really not care at all, Mukuro? Can you really look me in the eyes and tell me you didn't feel anything when you... when you killed those children?"

"... I don't feel anything when I do these kind of things." Mukuro says, the words filling her with guilt and shame. Not because she feels either for the acts themselves, but because Sayaka has been looking at her like she's vermin this entire time. "I don't know why I don't. I just don't."

"I don't understand..." Sayaka murmurs, close to whispering. "How can you not care?"

"I don't understand why I would." Mukuro says. "I didn't know any of these people. They meant nothing to me. Why should I care? Why do you?"

"I can't believe I have to explain to you why I care that you've murdered innocent people." Sayaka says, disbelief coating her words.

"Innocent people die every day. Even if I hadn't been a part of Fenrir, they would have killed all those people anyway-"

"Mukuro," Sayaka hisses, balling her fists again. "If you try to justify what you did one more time, I'm _seriously_ going to make you regret it. At least fucking own up to the things you've done!"

"... I'm sorry." Mukuro says uselessly.

"Could you kill _me_ without feeling anything?"

"No!" Mukuro screams. "Of course not! I could never kill you to begin with, Sayaka!"

"What about Junko-chan? Mikan-san? Aoi-chan? Makoto-kun? Could you kill any of them without feeling anything?"

"I couldn't, no..." Mukuro mumbles, unsure what Sayaka is getting at.

"What makes any of us so special? Is it just that you know us and nothing else?"

"Well... that's how it works, doesn't it? You care about people you know." Mukuro says, confused. "If you had to decide between the life of a stranger and the life of one of your friends, you would pick your friend. Right?"

"And why is that?"

"Because your friend means more to you than some stranger." Mukuro answers. Why is Sayaka asking all that stuff? The answers are obvious.

"Mukuro... I want to make you realize that killing people is a terrible thing to do in general, but I'm clearly not going to be able to do that. Now, I'm going to ask you some questions that might feel strange for you." Sayaka says, a lot calmer than before. "Is that okay?"

"I suppose..."

"Why do you like me?"

In spite of the entire situation, Mukuro feels embarrassed at the abrupt question. Still, the words are easy to say. "Because you're nice, patient, and funny... I like how cheerful you are, and how you respect my boundaries. I like how pretty your laughter is, how pretty your smile is. I like how ambitious you are, how much you love your talent. You're really tough. Smart, too. And you care about all of your friends so much. I remember when you told me how you threatened your manager into leaving your bandmates alone... I still think about that sometimes. I really admire that sort of thing. Um... should I continue?"

"It's enough." Sayaka mutters, averting her eyes. "Why do you like Mikan-san?"

"Um... she's really nice, like you. I like how hard she tries to improve herself, and how humble she is even though she's one of the smartest people I've ever met. I like how even though she's insecure and shy, she sometimes forget about it to help out one of her friends. What I like most is despite how badly people have treated her all her life, she's still such a great person."

"Why do you like Aoi-chan?"

"She's nice, in her own way. She sometimes says something rude, but it's not on purpose and it's funny how embarrassed she gets. She always tries to make up for it, too. I like how full of energy she always is. She's really hard-working... and I think it's admirable how she wants to know everything about the sea. She's much smarter than she thinks she is. I hope I've managed to convince her of that."

"Why do you like Makoto-kun?"

"He's really nice. Um, I keep saying that. I guess all of you are. I like how easy to talk to he is, and how he always knows what to say. He cares a lot, maybe even too much... and maybe he's a bit naive for it, but I like how much good he sees in other people. I disagree with him a lot, but it proves how good-natured he is, so I can't dislike it entirely. He might say he's not good enough to be at Hope's Peak, but if you ask me this school isn't good enough for _him_."

"... You really mean every word of that, don't you?" Sayaka asks quietly. There isn't any anger or disgust on her face anymore. "Mukuro, don't you get it? The people that you've killed... how many do you think were similiar to us? How many of them were caring like Mikan-san, energetic like Aoi-chan, or good-natured like Makoto-kun? How many of them would've been as kind to you as all of us if you'd met them under different circumstances? What about those kids we play laser tag with? I know you're fond of them. And you know what? You might've killed children who were just like Blue, Red, or all the others!"

"I don't see the point in what-ifs." Mukuro says, in spite of the discomfort flaring up inside of her. Sayaka's words are... kind of making sense. But at the same time, they aren't. Not to her.

"The people you've killed all had friends, family, people that meant something to them." Sayaka continues in a heated tone. "Just like how we mean something to you. How would you feel if someone killed us? How would you feel if someone took Junko-chan away from you?"

The mere thought makes Mukuro grit her teeth, makes her feel sick to her stomach. "I don't-"

"It would devastate you, that's right! How many people's sisters and brothers have you killed, Mukuro?! How can you not care about that?! How can you not care about taking people's friends and families and loved ones away from them?!"

"Because they're not mine!" Mukuro snaps. "Shut up, shut up, shut up already! What do you want me to say?! What do you want me to do?! I can't make myself care, no matter how often you tell me to!"

"I want you to tell me." Sayaka says firmly, unshaken by Mukuro's outburst. "I want you to tell me about your days in Fenrir. I want to know what you were thinking, what it was like for you. After that, we can continue."

"I... I'm not sure it's the time for that." Mukuro stammers. Even in spite of how badly this entire conversation has gone so far, the thought of telling Sayaka right now just seems too terrifying. "Maybe I should leave and we- we could talk about it some other time."

Sayaka stares at her. "Mukuro, if you leave now, I won't speak to you ever again." Mukuro's lips tremble, her heart pulsating in her neck. "Do you understand how hard it is for me to be willing to hear you out at all? Even looking at you hurts me right now. Half of my mind is screaming at me for not making you leave. No... it's screaming at me to punch you again and again, to make you pay for killing all those people and being so apathetic about it. It's taking a lot to be even in the same room as you." Sayaka sighs deeply. "So you have two choices: either you tell me about your time in Fenrir or you leave. For good."

"If I do tell you... will you forgive me?" Mukuro asks in a croaking, quiet voice, unable to help herself.

"No." Sayaka answers, a disgusted expression on her face. "Even if I wanted to, it's not my place to forgive anything you've done. Only the people you've killed would be able to do that."

"But..." Mukuro suddenly feels a hopeful sensation in her chest. "Are we going to continue spending time after this? If- if you want to hear about my past at all, that means you're willing to continue being my friend. Right?"

Sayaka is quiet for some time, as if considering the question. "Well," she murmurs eventually. "That depends on what you're going to tell me. I want the truth, Mukuro. All of it. I don't want you to leave anything out, even if you think I'm going to get angry at you. Do you understand?"

"... Yes." Mukuro agrees reluctantly.

"Okay. And, Mukuro?"

"Yes?"

Sayaka glances aside. "Punching you was too much," she mutters. "It's not like it changes what you did. I... I won't say sorry, because the mere thought makes me sick, but... I shouldn't have done it."

"It's fine, really. If it makes you feel better, you can hurt me more." Mukuro suggests. Maybe if Sayaka does, she'll be more willing to forgive her...? "If- if it gets rid of some of your anger, please punch me all you want. I deserve it for making you angry in the first place."

"Mukuro..." Sayaka murmurs, her face twisting like she's in pain. "You don't-" She cuts herself off with a sigh, and sits back down on the couch. "Look, just... sit down next to me and start talking, okay?"

Mukuro sits down, further away from Sayaka than she'd usually like to give her some space. "I don't know where to begin..."

"When did they recruit you?"

"Junko-chan and I were on vacation in Europe with our adoptive mother." Mukuro grimaces when she thinks back to that. "It was in London. A man entered our hotel room one time when I was alone. He told me Fenrir had been watching me for a while and they wanted me to train with them. He talked... a lot. It would take too long to list everything he told me."

"Why were they watching you to begin with?" Sayaka asks.

"Because back then I was competing in a lot of survival games and tournaments. I suppose I made a good impression on their leaders with that, since I won all of the time."

Sayaka furrows her brows. "Are you serious? Some mass murder mercenary group paid attention to stuff like _survival games_? They recruited you because of that? How old were you when you won all of these? Twelve?"

"I was wondering that myself." Mukuro says, still in mild disbelief over the whole thing. "One of their leaders told me they had always paid attention to that, because of the possibility that they could recruit someone with a blossoming Ultimate Talent. He said something like that was too big of an advantage to pass up."

"I guess that makes sense. Kinda. But... why did you leave at all?" Sayaka glares at her. "You just left Junko-chan behind like that. For what? You know how much you've hurt her better than anyone, don't you? Was it worth it?"

"Can we... leave that for later?" Mukuro fidgets uncomfortably. She can't explain that without saying things about Junko that no one is supposed to hear. "Please, Sayaka?"

Sayaka's glare softens somewhat in the face of her desperation. "Okay," she says. "But you really have to tell me later."

Mukuro nods unhappily. "You're right, though. I've hurt Junko-chan a lot. The day I left... it was really painful."

"You shouldn't have left her at all." Sayaka mutters with a sour expression. "But... I don't know your reason. I shouldn't condemn you for that until I do, I guess. I'm s-" She abruptly stops speaking. "Go on."

Mukuro takes a deep breath.

As much as she wants to be completely honest right now, she can't tell Sayaka anything about Junko or Ultimate Despair. She will have to either leave some of that stuff out or explain it in some other way that makes any sense.

Mukuro exhales.

She takes her cup from the table and takes a sip of the now lukewarm tea. She notices her hands are trembling slightly while holding it, and sets it down again.

"Okay." Mukuro says.

She begins speaking.

* * *

 


End file.
